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Pursuing the Wrong Dream
Life can be really frustrating sometimes. Most of us just want
to be happy, yet so much of life seems to keep pulling us away from
that simple goal. We try to do all the “right things”
to reach our goals hoping to find fulfillment--eat well, work hard,
be kind--yet often the object of our efforts seems to move further
and further away leaving us unfulfilled and disappointed. How much
do we struggle with trying to calm our thoughts, trying to lose
weight, trying to let go of desires, trying to master a pose or
get a job position or have a fulfilling relationship? They are noble
desires, but often we find ourselves frustrated and disappointed
in pursuit of them.
Why is this? Often, it is because we are pursuing a physical goal
while we are actually trying to fulfill an emotional need. For example,
a lot of us have experienced the unrelenting emphasis in our society
on losing weight in the attempt to be thin. Billions of dollars
are spent on studies, products, surgeries and advertisements, all
in the attempt to help people lose weight. While the fundamental
intent is to be healthy and well, many people are of the (often
unconscious) mindset that thinness and beauty will fulfill other,
deeper desires--admiration, attention, acceptance and even perhaps
love.
Many of our desires are distorted in this way. We often associate
the attainment of a specific material thing with the fulfillment
of a deeper emotional need. This results in two different outcomes:
1) we obtain the material object and yet are still dissatisfied
since the emotional need was not met; or 2) we do not obtain the
object, and we feel that emotional need within us grow as the supposed
fulfillment of that need moves farther away.
As these needs within us grow and we continue to look externally
for satisfaction, the gap between what we are pursuing and what
we are trying to fulfill grows. That distance is filled with fear,
anxiety and worry which causes us to feel unstable and threatened;
so we reach out to what we know and what we can hold onto. We again
latch onto our material goals hoping they will provide relief, yet
they cause us to be pulled even farther away from the need we are
trying to fulfill. Thus, a vicious cycle ensues.
The ironic thing is that many of these external aims are very worthy
in themselves. For example, it is important to take care of oneself,
to exercise, eat well and rest. Since we are ultimately seeking
fulfillment and love, we participate in activities we believe will
bring those qualities to us; but often we confuse the activity as
the actual source of fulfillment and quickly become disillusioned
when the activity disappoints us in some way.
If we were to pause a moment and look at all of these goals, and
if we were to look at what we are really desiring as we pursue these
ends, what would we see? In our desire to be thin, are we really
seeking acceptance? In our desire to be successful, are we really
seeking respect? In our attempts to be kind and supportive, are
we really trying to earn love? When we begin to really see what
our true desires are, then we can begin to understand how our efforts
move us toward or away from our ultimate goals. Once we begin to
see that what we are really seeking is real love, we can understand
that any effort to manipulate and base love on an external condition
will not be absolute love and will ultimately leave us feeling dissatisfied.
Any attempt to prove our worth as an individual, will result in
constantly proving ourselves to others. If we can only find fulfillment
in participation of a particular activity, that fulfillment will
pass when the activity is ended, leaving us hungry and needy for
more.
So how do we begin to address these needs and be freed from their
power? Well, simply enough--if it is an internal need, then we must
go within. We must be willing to go in and face that need and look
at its fears; we must know it well in order to know how best to
feed it. We must find those elements that we seek within ourselves
and cultivate them in our moment-to-moment lives so that when they
come to us, we will know them. We create our world through our actions
and reactions; if we know internally true love, acceptance, kindness
and compassion, these will be expressed in our dealings with the
world. They may be brief, subtle moments, but as we begin to see,
know and express those qualities, they will become more consistently
manifest.
Joel Kramer says in The Passionate Mind, “You only recognize
something if you already know it. You can only seek what you know.”
If we are not well acquainted with absolute acceptance and complete
love from within, we will never recognize it when it comes to us.
We will always be drawn to incomplete, and ultimately disappointing,
forms of acceptance and love.
As you go about your day, notice what you are seeking, notice how
desire influences you. If you are striving to have the tightest
backbends and the highest jump-throughs in your yoga practice, take
note of what you are ultimately trying to achieve. Is it to impress;
is it to be the best; is it to improve; is it for enlightenment?
As you interact with others, what are you seeking? Do you try and
prove your merit; do you try and win their favor; are you experiencing
life together, or do you seek anything at all? There is no right
or wrong answer in all of these. There is only what is. Once we
can see clearly, then we can refine our choices keeping our eyes
on what we truly seek and not be distracted pursuing the wrong dream.
Heather Antonissen, February 2003
You can write to Heather at heather@yogaisyouth.com
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