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Embracing the Ugly Duckling
New. It can be such a wonderful word: New Year, new born, new
goal, new idea. The word embodies hope, potential, a fresh start.
When we begin something new, often a wave of enthusiasm fills our
sails. With this new thing, our lives will be enhanced, richer,
better. We'll move closer to our deep desire of fulfillment and
happiness. Beginning something new can be so exciting!
Yet if you have tried to incorporate something
new--whether it be a new year's resolution, a new philosophy
or even a new yoga pose--you may recall that the enthusiasm of
the “new” soon wears
off. Our diets don't progress as we had planned; we slip into clinging
and fear instead of staying with our breath and grounding; we fall
and bonk, slip and bruise as we try once again to get into bakasana. The
enthusiasm that filled our sails with confidence and motivation
has left, leaving us feeling abandoned in a sea of struggle. We
find ourselves awkward and clumsy, struggling along, no more the
fresh sweet babe ready to tackle the world: we have turned into
an ugly duckling.
For those of us with egos, this can be a very difficult time.
Not only is it difficult to once again face shortcomings and mistakes,
it can take a lot of energy to pursue something that doesn't seem
to provide any immediate rewards. We can tell ourselves that the
process itself is just as important as reaching the goal, yet that
can be difficult to remember when it feels like we are floundering
along not making any progress whatsoever. And even if we persevere
through those initial shortcomings, it can still be difficult pursuing
our goal, despite the growth, when the ultimate prize continues
to elude us, even after substantial investment.
So how do we navigate this awkward period? How can we keep ourselves
encouraged and centered as we embark on the journey of bringing
something new into our lives? It is quite a challenge to find the
balance between the pursuit of a goal and staying centered in the
moment--even if being in the moment is our goal!! Yet there are
some things we can keep in mind to help us through the down times
until we emerge as the beautiful swan.
A concept offered by don Miguel Ruiz in his book The Four
Agreements has been of great help in working through the
ugly duckling syndrome. The last agreement states: Always Do
Your Best. When I first heard of this idea, I brushed it off
as common sense: I work hard and if I do something, I try to
do it the best I can, always giving a 110%. Yet when I read the
book, Ruiz clarified that doing your best means just that--no
more, no less. He says, “Regardless of the quality, keep doing
your best. If you try too hard to do more than your best, you
will spend more energy than is needed and in the end your best
will not be enough. Then you overdo, you deplete your body and
go against yourself, and it will take you longer to accomplish
your goal….If you do less than your best, you subject yourself
to frustrations, self-judgment, guilt and regrets.” (pp. 76-77)
From moment to moment our best will change; but regardless of
quality, always do your best. No more and no less.
Another tool proposed by Deepak Chopra in his book The Spontaneous
Fulfillment of Desire is that to affect change, we must
have consistent intent. By merely having an intent and by paying
attention to that intent, we can bring about significant change--and
not only that, the universe helps support us on our path of development.
Within the seed of intent lies everything that is needed to bring
about the new desire we seek. There is no need to push, no need
to force. By merely being in that place of balance where we are
doing our best, powerful development will occur.
Finally, one of the key tools for navigating the ugly duckling
stage is to really be in the moment. Enjoy the action for the action's
sake. When we do something solely for the end result, we can find
ourselves mired in frustration, especially when the goal seems
to get farther and farther away despite our efforts. When we are
in the moment, embracing each step and experience, we find fulfillment
in the now rather than having to wait until our goal is reached
before we can find such satisfaction. As with a yoga pose, each
endeavor is endless; there are ever deeper levels that can be explored,
incorporated and embodied. By being in the moment, by remembering
our intent and by doing our best, we can affect dramatic change
as we evolve on our path.
Just keep going. “Taking the action over and over
again strengthens your will, nurtures the seed, and establishes
a solid foundation for the new habit to grow. After many repetitions,
these new [agreements] will become second nature.” (Ruiz, p. 74)
It may get daunting, you may feel discouraged, but keep going.
Keep writing, keep breathing, keep practicing, keep going. As Pattabhi
Jois often says, “do your
practice and all is coming.” It doesn't matter if your aim is imperfect
or if you reach your goal for the day or not or if you lose your
temper. As you continue to bring awareness to your goal, it will
continue to take root, bloom and grow. Eventually, your steps will
become easier, your struggle smoother, and the true beauty of an
ever evolving soul will shine. Just keep going.
Heather Antonissen, February 2004
You can write to Heather at heather@yogaisyouth.com,
and check out the books which
she finds inspirational.
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